The adventure of JURBO and DZAKAR : Le Tour de Spain......ermm PainS actually..!!! PART ONE

Salam,

Welcome to an adventure.

Hello! This is Super Jurbo. U can call him just JURBO....:-))

And this is his fren. His name is DZAKAR.....ehh Dakar ke? Elleh...dzakar ke, Dakar ke, same je. Asalkan bukan Zakar sudeh !!!.
So together with 2 more frens, Repco White callsign "YoMaiNiggah" and Repco Red callsign "HornyPhysio", they embarked on an adventure last Saturday 6/2/1010.

Triggered by a suggestion from YoMaiNiggah, they meticulously discussed the plan. Ideas were thrown out to n fro between them. After doing some feasibility and environmental impact studies, ermm ...about 2mins20sec into the dicussion, they decided to go to the "eagle-on-the hill"

Jurbo been there before on a bike (beskal), twice, during his uni days during the Vietnam Wars.
Back then, it was known as a romen-romen spot, because of the spectacular view.
To tell u the truth, the view is not that spectacular pon. Perhaps, the view becomes more spectacular only if u have a naked girl with mountainous breast besides u in the car. This, Jurbo can only speculate because with only a bicylce as his mode of transportation then, its hard for him to hook-up with a gal on that. (Despite his good looks!! Shocking isn't it ??)

So, just as fate took them, the bike team was essembled that consist of the past and current Swinging Bowl employees. From left to right, YoMaiNiggah, HornyPhysio and the infamous Dzakar in pink. Jurbo wasn't here because I don't know why lah?
So the adventure began.
.......ermm 10 minutes and 1.4 km later. Shit! This is hard. They were still within the city boundary, the real climb has not began yet, already they have casualty, Dzakar was down. Luckily YoMaiNiggah was on hand.
From this point on, they all knew, this was not going to be about fitness or personal strength or how much is yr bike worth.

This is about PAIN and how u handle your PAIN.
This is 10% physical, 90% mental.
Luckily, they were all MENTALly disturbed.

So with the war cry.....inspired by Lance Armstrong.....
"PAIN IS TEMPORARY. QUITTING IS FOREVER"
....they marched on.

Come-on mountain!
Please give us shit. I sell it back to you as fertilizers!

So they cycled with all their guts. Ciloks, ciloking and ciloked was rampant!
Every time somebody was down, they shouted
"Pain is temporary, Quitting is Forever"

As for Jurbo, everytime he tapau-ed YoMaiNiggah (as above), Jurbo will shout to YoMaiNiggah in Nepalese
"Oppa Dallia Ballar.......Oppa Dallia Ballar".
Which means in Hispanic, "Hawt Siyal, Lu Bodo".
.....Funni la these people!!

Nevertheless, they were only human. This time (left) its YoMaiNiggah turn to be down, while Dzakar tried to conceal YoMaiNiggah's zakar, which unlike his master, was Up n About.
While Jurbo (right) was down on his stomach with his jubor sticking up. Luckily, HornyPhysio was a sekolah agama alumni. So his prayer has strong cable to "The High Above" power.

After a quick tazkirah by HornyPhysio to Jurbo, that his gift of 4 hairy balls was meant to be used for his 4 lucky wives, in a second, Jurbo was on his feet again. Scary la this fella !!. ........Nasib baik ensem!
Soon after that, the team was up and running again, and ready to face-off all the challenges ahead.
One by one, the hurdles tumbled. Devils elbow, checked. Eagle on the Hill "entrance" checked.
Like I said, they were 100 mental. Who else in this world that met the devil and when the devil shows his elbow, that person show the devil his balls. Who..whoooooooo???

After these checkpoints, the journey turned nasty. The climb was like soo steep like 90 degrees I think. Jurbor, the part-time model/photographer/vulgar blogger/finalist "Pencarian Kacak Bergaya Vigor/Pancaindera 2010", was so busy shitting in his pants that he cannot take any picture of the climb. Until.........

Hulaweiii!!
Houston! The eagle has landed.
And HornyPhysio and YoMaiNiggah was so happi !!
So HornyPhysio brought-out the celebratory "frozen expired last year" yogurt, Cheers!
An hour later, while reminiscing their success, suddenly one minah-salleh stopped and asked the boys..
" Hi Guys! Did u guys missing one person? There's somebody back there, walking-up with his bike!"

Oh Fakk! They suddenly realized that Dzakar wasn't there yet!
So they made a monumentous decision to......erm wait for him there je la.
Dzakar need to battle his own demon himself. By demon, I mean his flabby ass!
And on that day, Dzakar WON! Yeaaa!!!!!
Slowly but surely, Dzakar made his way to catch up with the rest of the team.
.....ermm...he's there somewhere. Save the pic and magnify la. Like what we normaly did after we save pic of aweks la. Still want me to tell u!!

The second he arrived there, suddenly......

To be Continued!!......PART TWO IS HERE

Salam, Mekasey, Wassalam.

p/s: kisah jiwang valentime will be continued after the Jurbo n Dzakar adventure finish. Sabr yer mat2 jiwang sekelian.

Addicted to pain

Salam,
......ini adalh kemerepekan aku tanpa matlamat lepas letih balik training bola.

1. Once, aku pernah terbaca dlm paper org tanye Lance Armstrong, naper dia come back after retirement. Jawapan dia lebih kurang....if my memory serves me correctly..
"...Its not the feeling of winning, the fitness ..bla bla bla that I had missed. Its the challenge and the pain that I've gone tru' to achieve the victory that I really missed. U can say I like the pain. I am addicted to pain."
Aku dah search the source, tapi tak jumpa plaks. Mungkin aku silap. But anyway..

2. Aikk! Bunyi pelik kan? Ade gak orang yang "suka sakit" atau org kita kata sengaja carik penyakit. Tapi sebenarnya bende tu biase je.

Ade orang suka carik gadoh sebab dia syok bertumbuk.
Ade orang sakit2 perut tahan lapar sebab dia nak kurus.
Ade orang tercabut2 bahu angkat weight, sebab dia nak tuff.
Ade orang krem2 tangan kacau dodol sebab dia kaki dodol.
Ade orang sakit2 badan tahan sejuk berembun semata2 kerana kaki pancing.
Ade orang buat seks pakai sebat2, ikat2 dan cekik2 sebab fetish dia S&M so dia suka seks ganas. Gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

3.Tapi, Kenape orang suka carik penyakit?
Teori aku,agak medical skit.
Bila kita sakit atau di ancam kesakitan, maka badan kita will automatically respond untuk bersedia menerima kesakitan tersebut. "Fight or Flight response" or "Lawan atau Cabut" in Malay. During these "stress", badan kita automatically activate the sympathetic nervous system. Senang cerita, kita akan dapat adrenaline rush.

4. So nafas kita semakin kencang, heart rate elevated, pupil/mata dilated, etc, semuanya untuk menyediakan kita untuk either fight/lawan ataupun flight/cabut bila menghadapi ancaman yg boleh menyebabkan kesakitan or death!
Eg: bila kita terserempak ngan boya, ataupun nak bungee-jump/xtreme sports atau di kejar pontianak atau apabila bini tua "kita" menyerang rumah bini muda.

5. Tapi side effect dia, kita jadi highly alert kepada surroundings kita. Itu yg rasa macam best tuh. The adrenaline makes u high! Itu yg kau rasa kau boleh lompat dinding, wrestling ngan rimau, masukkan mercun terbang dalam lubang buntut pastu nyalakan, ikat mercun kat peler pastuh bakar dan lain2 yg kau boleh usha kat utube ataupun tgk jer jackass movies.

6. Talk about Jackass movies, ade 2 bende aku nak sebut

Pertama: Jangan tengok ngan aweks. Nanti jadi macam kau tengok movie ramai2, tetiba ade adegan seks yg hawt plak. Kau jadi serbe salah. Nak tengok, tapi kang peler stim, kene caber. Kalau tak tengok plak, pon peler akan stim gak. Susah cakap lu. Nak betulkan parking pon kene usha2 awek tu dulu. Lagipon kalau termuntah depan aweks masa tgk jackass, agak kurang macho ler.

Keduanya: Jangan rasa mat2 salleh dalam Jackass tu gile babi legend lah! Aku dok ngan mat salleh ni sejak zaman mahathir dan aku dah kenal sangat diaorang. Mat salleh boleh buat macam2 stunt sampai patah riuk tulang macam skateboard, BMX, BASE jumping dan "u name it" mak nenek segala extreme sports. Tapi kau cuba bagik senapang kat dia dan suruh dia pergi berperang kat afghan ke, iraq ke, mane2 war lah. Gerenti kecut! Bab tu depa surrender.

Aska mat salleh, yg pergi perang tu sebab terpaksa kerana mereka loser tak de kerja yg boleh buat, so join aska. Pastuh pegi perang plak pakai bullet vest depan belakang, dok dalam armour car etc. Depa takut mati la plak bila time perang nih.

7. Mak aihh ! Jauh nya aku menjual kerepek. Dah masuk kampung seblah dah. Kembali ke pangkal jalan.

8. So ceritenya, aku baru balik ni dari training bola ngan team mat salleh. Peluh pon dok menitik2 lagi ni. Dah 2 tahun dah aku tinggalkan competitive football. So tahun ni aku bajet nak join balik league lah. Tapi mak datuk! Baru aku tahu apakah itu perasan menjadi seorang yg sudah "TUA".

9. Masa strecthing, sakit gile. Lari pancit. Kaki trasa berat macam ader awek dok bergayut kat kaki ku merayu2 untuk menerima cintanya. Sepak bola macam haram. Passing hampeh. Aku nak gelecek org, aku plak yg pening2. Tackle miss. Kawan2 aku plak dok perli2.." go back to cooking mate". Fak u la!

10. Masa main, orang tak nak passing kat aku. Mata aku pon diaorang elak drpd buat eye contact. Masa aku belah, depa buat donno je. Tapi aku paham. Bola is a team sport. You r only as good as your teammates. So , kalau kau tak reti main bola, they don't give a shit. Boleh belah. We don't want u here. U r the weakest link. No respect given.

11. Aku pon buat bende yg sama gak. Sapa terre main bola, aku layan lain la skit! muahahhahaha.

12. Dalam masa 2 tahun of my absence in competitive soccer, aku main gak ngan budak2 melayu. Siap menang macam2 tournament sampai medal tu main campak2 je. Tapi, no offense, bola budak2 melayu merosakkan stamina aku.

13. Contohnya, bila main petang2, budak2 melayu suka gelecek. Aku lari penat2 bukak ruang, tapi diaorang tak passing. Nak gentel sorang2. Lama2 aku giveup lari. Jadi malas.
Bila main tournament plak, majoriti opponent tu sayur je. Part-time/social soccer player. Itu pasal dapat byk medal.

14. So kalau kompare stamina aku 15 years ago, masa aku cycle kehulu kehilir, , mountain bike di Adelaide Hills, panjat mount lofty, panjat ledang, panjat kinabalu, panjat pagar asrama puteri...........memang tak dapek la kan. So aku try kompare ngan mat salleh dan asian baya aku dalam team tuh. Aku kantoi jauh Siyal!!

15. So sekarang aku nak kene wind back the clock to 2 years ago. Fit to play 90 minutes of soccer match. Tapi aku sedar. To get back
a)the 6 pek,
b)berat 65kg,
c) sprint 100m 9.58sec (bajet!), itu agak sakit.

16. Pasal perut, tu takde hal. Aku masih ada 4 pek. Lagi 2 pek yg last tuh, slow2 la kita diet. Pasal berat tu pon, insyaAllah. Sejak bini aku takde ni, asyik dok bantai maggi jer. So, berat aku dah turun banyak dah. Kalau sebulan yg lepas berat aku dalam 75kg gitu. Tapi semalam aku timbang berat bogel aku, dah tinggal 69.7kg. Yess!! Tq maggi!

17. Tapi bab sprinting tu, aku rasa dah takkan boleh capai la. Walaupun aku dari segi luaran nampak masih hensem, kacak dan ensem. Tapi muscle aku adalah muscle tua. Ginilah senang crite. Aku boleh train myself untuk jadi laju macam sport car balik. Tapi, engine aku dah takleh upgrade boh turbo ke NOS ke gitu. Jadi aku akan iA boleh sprint balik. Tapi takkan boleh challenge org2 muda yg ade kuasa turbo. Inilah punca gol, satu2nya gol yg bolos gol adelaide masa melben cup last year! Sorri people!

18. Bak kata Lance Armstrong

"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever"

So apa2 hal, starting this week, aku akan cuba untuk komit training bola tiap minggu. Biar sakit, biar perit, biar kulit hitam, sebab aku nak jadi fit balik.................supaya bersedia untuk mengoda bakal bini muda. Oppssss! Tersilap taip tadi. Sorri yer.
Sepatutnya "....supaya bersedia untuk mengoda bakal BINI-BINI muda".
Baru betul!

Tapi, Syhhhh!!! Jgn britau diaorang ye! Ni rahsia kita-kita je!

Sekian, mekasih, wassalam.